Keeping the Faith

I'm sitting here feeling frustrated. Sometimes it seems like no matter how hard I try, my dreams are never going to come true. It's so hard to get your start these days. Especially hard when you don't know anyone that can help you, that you can network with.

I feel like God is trying to point me in the right direction career/life-wise, but maybe I'm just not hearing Him. Maybe I'm just not listening well enough. I don't know, but it's so hard for me to stay motivated right now. I hate my job. I'm so tempted to just quit and take the road less traveled. Maybe that's where my problem lies, that I don't have enough confidence to take a few risks in life. I know I have what it takes to be successful - I think my track record has proven that thus far. I just don't know what the next step in life is for me.

For now, I'll just keep praying.

Wedding update

WOW! So I just read through my old posts and realized I NEVER, not ONCE discussed my wedding news!!! How absolutely horrible of me!

Okay, so as a quick recap, Sam and I got engaged January 22 of this year, our 4 year anniversary!!! He proposed to me at Maggiano's, our favorite restaurant. Even though I knew he was going to propose, it was still totally unexpected. It was definitely one of the best nights of my life, and I'll never forget how amazingly special I felt when he got down on one knee and proposed in front of the whole lounge area. I was never one of those girls who had an idea of what my proposal would be like, but at the same time, it met all of my expectations and more!

The wedding date is set for May 7, 2011. We're having our ceremony at a winery, and our reception at a yacht club on a lake. We're both super excited about getting married! I can't believe I've finally hit an age and a point in my life where marriage is a feasible idea.

It's just so cool:)

So what if I'm a know-it-all? At least I'm not a fuck-up.

I'm really sick and tired of everybody telling me that I'm a know-it-all. It's not that I'm never wrong - trust me, I know when I don't know something or when I've made a mistake. I can admit when I'm wrong. But to be honest, I'm usually right, and I usually know what I'm talking about. If I don't, then I'm upfront about it. So as long as I continue to be right more often than I am wrong, I will continue to act as, what some people refer to, as a know-it-all.

And the thing that REALLY bothers me is that the people who call me a know-it-all the most are almost always the biggest fuck-ups of all!!! The irony of it is unbelievable to me. They're just pissed because they KNOW I'm right, and THEY'RE the ones who can't admit they're wrong! Gahhh it drives me nuts!!

What I do know, is that I'm assertive, opinionated, and have no problem getting in your face. ESPECIALLY when I know I'm right. And more often than not, I tell people things they don't want to hear out of concern for that person, and nothing else. I know what I say might not always be popular, or liked, or supported, but it's what I believe, and until something changes my mind otherwise, I'll continue to believe it.

It's just so frustrating to me that my friends and family can't always see past me being a know-it-all and see that all I'm really trying to do is help them and keep them from making stupid, possibly life-altering mistakes. And what hurts the most is that I try so hard to look out for my friends, and love them so much, but that this concern is not only unappreciated, but frowned upon.

But what feels the best is when I can say "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" LOL!!!

The Baby Epidemic

Ah, there's nothing that quite defines the twenty-something experience quite like the baby/marriage epidemic that seems to spread like wildfire. It's true what they say (whoever "they" is), it comes out of nowhere. At 20 years old, you're enjoying the good life: going out and partying with your friends, staying up late for no reason, dating, going to school, working, still living at home. Three or four years later, everyone in your life suddenly starts getting engaged/married/ and popping out kids. It's all so overwhelming sometimes.

I guess I kind of fall into that category seeing as how I'm engaged and all, but more than ever, I am feeling the pressure to "get it on" and start having kids, and boy does it SUCK! Now don't get me wrong - I love kids. Kids are great. They're cute, and little, and fun to play with, and just so terrifically innocent. I do want kids...one day. But not right now. Or tomorrow. Or three months from now. Probably not even a year from now. To be honest, I don't know when I will feel like having kids, but I know that I will know when the time is right for me.

In the meantime, there is the pressure to have them and figuring out how to deal with that pressure.

Things seem to have compounded within the last few months since my nephew was born. Now it's like all eyes are on me, and I'm just trying to hide. I know in my head that I'm not ready. I'm way too selfish for kids. I'm terrified of losing my freedom/sense of self. I'm terrified of getting fat and then unable to get back in shape. Perhaps this is immature of me, but that just proves how un-ready I really am. I swear, if one more person asks me when I'm having babies I'm going to punch that unsuspecting person in the face. I mean how rude is it to put that kind of pressure on someone? I know I'm 25, but shit, I'm not ancient. I still have plenty of time. My biological clock hasn't even started ticking yet, or if it has, I sure can't hear it.

I'm sure a lot of it is just me putting pressure on myself. But I keep reminding myself that this isn't a race. It's not a competition to see how quickly I can get knocked up. Babies will come soon enough, I want to enjoy the last few years being child-free while I can. And maybe squeeze a little traveling in while I can, too.

But for now, I just wish everyone would shutup about it and back off a little bit, geesh.

Not really sure what I should write about here, seeing as how it's been awhile.

Sam and I had our engagement party on April 3. Pretty much everyone showed up and had a good time! It was really nice to just spend some quality time at my dad's house with all of my family and close friends. Events like that don't happen nearly enough. This past Sunday, a family friend of mine took a few engagement photos of us. We started at the fire station, where Sam and I met almost 5 years ago, then headed out to Brenham. There's no emotional significance to Brenham for us, I've just always loved Texas wildflowers and wanted to take pictures in them! This time of year is absolutely gorgeous in Texas, with the warm, breezy days and flowers in bloom. It's definitely my favorite! After flower pictures, we headed into downtown Brenham to take a few more shots. All of the pictures turned out really great, I couldn't be happier!

On Saturday, Sam and I will be heading to the Crawfish Festival with a few friends. I haven't been in YEARS, in fact, I can't remember the last time I went! So I'm super excited to go this weekend. I don't like crawfish at all, but I love to drink beer and listen to Texas Country music. And shop, who could forget that?

Reality Sets In

Today kinda sucked. Nothing really bad happend, it was just one of those days. It was cold, and overcast outside, with a bitter chill in the air. Kind of got the post-holiday blues thing going on.

I spent last night hanging out with Sean, Dana, two of my brothers, and Sam. Sean is a former neighbor of mine that I grew up with. He lived across the street from me, and his family moved to Atlanta at the end of my sophomore year of high school. Our families were really close, and I spent a lot of time with them as a teenager. Dana is Sean's girlfriend. Sean is currently stationed at a naval base in Corpus Christi, while Dana resides in Atlanta. It's always good to see them. I always have a great time when they come visit my family in Houston.

Every time they leave, I feel a little bit sad. Hanging out with Sean reminds me of all the fun times my family had spending time with his family years ago. Times when my mom was still alive, and our homes were filled with laughter. Those few years were some of the happiest of my life. I know I shouldn't waste my time longing after times gone-by, but sometimes I can't help it. It really hurts knowing that those times will never be again, that I'll never be able to recreate moments with my family like that. I really miss it. If only I'd known back then what my life would be today, maybe I would've savored those moments just a little more. No matter how much time passes, my family will always feel incomplete without my mother. And it's just so frustrating because I can't do anything about it. I think that's the hardest part to deal with. All I can do is appreciate the present and try to relish the past.

In other depressing news, I still don't have a job yet. Everyone tells me to quit worrying so much, that I just graduated like 3 weeks ago, but they'd be a little worried too if they were trying to find a job in this economy. It. Sucks. What's worse is that I'm not entirely sure of what I want to do. You'd think I'd have figured that out by now! There's just so many things I'd like to try, it's hard for me to narrow down what exactly I want to do. And who really knows that anyway? Why can't I just try something without having to feel obligated to it if I don't like it? Companies are so unforgiving these days. It's like you have to have your entire life planned out by 23 and have a bachelor's and master's degree plus 5 years of experience, but they only want to pay you like $35,000 a year. It's absolutely ridiculous! I mean come on, when are businesses gonna figure out that if you want it all, you have to PAY for it!

Pretty sure I'm just going to substitute teach in the meantime, maybe pick up a waiting job, too. I have to find something to pass the time, not to mention pay my bills. Which reminds me, I have a loan payment due this month. Uggghhhhh.......

New Year's Resolutions

That time of year is quickly approaching. Ya know, the time where you re-evaluate your life and how it's played out over the past year - what you did, what you didn't do, what you could've done better, what you learned. At least, that's what I always do. Boy, did I learn A LOT.

My year started with recovering from a robbery that left me pretty shaken and distrustful of others. I still have a hard time leaving my house; I always have that fear in the back of my mind that something will happen when I'm gone. But, there are just some things I can't control, and getting robbed happens to be one of them. At least to an extent.

I spent a few months struggling with my decision to stay in grad school. For awhile there, I contemplated quitting. I still wonder if it was the right thing to do, but at the end of the day, even if a master's degree doesn't land me a great job, it's still a great personal accomplishment. One that cost $30,000, so it better come in handy for something! I look back on my grad school experience with mixed emotions. Overall, it was a great experience, one that I learned a lot from. I learned that, though I didn't necessarily pick the "best" program, I probably learned more from the negatives of my experience than all of the possible positives combined from a so-called "perfect" program. I learned about the character of certain individuals in positions of power, and how it's not always good. I learned that supposedly mature adults can still treat you like shit and try to belittle you, and how important it is to stand up for yourself, even when it goes against popular opinion. I learned that, no matter how long you have had a relationship with someone, it takes work to keep it not just going, but going well. I learned that you can't always trust your colleagues. I learned how to take on a job that I had NO idea how to do, and excel at it. I learned that people often let their petty jealousies get in the way of forging friendships. I learned that, not matter how hard you try, sometimes you'll just never fit in. And that's okay. On that note, I learned that if it's meant to be, it will be. I learned to have faith that things will work out how they're supposed to. I learned that people will often judge you falsely, and sometimes it takes a little work to change the way people see you. I learned that college students can be really, really lazy. I learned how to have a BLAST at work. I learned that sometimes your friends can make big mistakes, and how to forgive them for it, even when you know they are wrong. Overall, I learned that no experience in life is perfect, and you must learn to take the good with the bad, and make the most of it.

I think they highlight of my year was getting to see my family on the East Coast that I haven't seen in 3 years. That's just way too long to go without seeing the people I love the most. I will never let that much time pass before I see them again. Being around them takes me back to a time in my life when things were so much simpler, and I was so much happier. Not that I'm unhappy now, but it's different. They remind me of who I am, and who I was, and how important it is to never forget where I came from.

2009 will remind me of the friendships I forged, and how blessed I am to have such wonderful people in my life.

I really hope that 2010 is a good year for me. I have a feeling it will be. It will be the first full year that I won't be in school. This will be both good and bad for me. Good in the sense that it's time to pursue some non-academic endeavors in my life, but bad in that I really, really like school, and will miss it. I can't wait to see what the new year brings.